


i see my reflection in your eyes

by saddergaze



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Exes, Getting Back Together, M/M, or at least an attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23578642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddergaze/pseuds/saddergaze
Summary: If God existed, David was sure he was fucking with him.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 109





	i see my reflection in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo! i tried something different and was very excited, it takes place a year after season 3, and the difference is that David didn't get outed, and him and Matteo were together!
> 
> i hope you like it :'))

The first time David actually felt like he would be okay was right after he got accepted in his dream university, when he got a message from his parents after two years of silence.

** _Congratulations, David. _ **

** _We are very proud of you._ **

It was a long message, but David was stuck on the first two sentence. He kept rereading them over and over again, until the words lost their meaning, until he could no longer see the letters, his vision blurred by his tears.

He hadn’t cried since he was sixteen. He felt like he would be okay.

It was during his first day as a film student that David was sure he was going to be okay.

_The professor was reading out their names, but then he stopped at David’s. _

_“David Schreibner”, he called out. _

_“Here”, David answered. When the professor didn’t move on, he started feeling nervous. He felt like he was eighteen again standing in front of Neuhaus who had paused before he read out his name. _

_“I watched your entry application”, the professor looked at him, “It’s really good.”_

_David felt the stares of the other students on him and for the first time he wasn’t hating the attention. _

_“Thank you, sir.”_

He was going to be okay. He knew it.

“You are twenty”, Laura said, exasperated, but she had an amused smile on her face, “Stop being such a brat and eat the food I give you”, she ruffled his hair affectionately. David glared at the mushrooms in his chicken soup and pouted. He grabbed his spoon and started picking them up, putting them into Laura’s bowl. He knew it was kind of useless, because the taste always lingers, but he has always been stubborn.

“Oh my god”, Laura rolled her eyes and he ignored her. 

He was twenty now. Realistically, nothing has changed – he was still a picky-eater, he still left his bed unmade, he still didn’t know how to cook, but at the same time he felt older, maybe not wiser, but changed. He was no longer a sad and angry teenager.

No, David was a proper adult now. He had a job, he was in his second year of university and he was even living on his own now.

He was an adult and he was happy. Well, almost happy. But, he thought whatever he was feeling was normal, because who hasn’t been bit lost while they were in their twenties? He wasn’t sure who told him that. It was either Laura or his therapist.

Huh. Normal. He didn’t think he would ever feel like that.

“Are you working tomorrow?”, Laura asked, as she settled on the chair opposite him.

“Yeah”, he answered as he checked if there were any mushrooms left in his soup.

“I don’t know if I should be worried about you”, that made him look at his sister.

“What?”, he asked, confused, “Why?”, sure, there was a time he had been worrying her a lot, but.

But, he was twenty now. He was okay.

“You are either working or studying. Shouldn’t you be enjoying college life a bit more?”

David rolled his eyes, “I am enjoying college.”

“But, I feel like you aren’t using the full potential of your youth. You’ll never be twenty again, you know?”, she said, but immediately after that she laughed at the face he made at her.

David knew she had a point, but he was enjoying himself. He loved what he was doing, he had friends, he even went to parties, sometimes.

“Well, we can’t _all_ spend all our time partying and still be at the top of the class”, he said. Laura just stuck out her tongue at him.

The night before his first day in university, he and Laura were invited for dinner at their parents’ house.

_“If you want to leave, just tell me, okay?”, Laura asked him for the hundredth time as they stood in front of their childhood home. _

_“Yes, okay, Jesus”, David answered her. He was already nervous as it was, and she was making it worse. But, he still squeezed her hand as she rang the doorbell._

_His mom opened the door. _

_“Hi, mom”, David said. It felt weird to say it. It felt weird to see her. Her hair was darker than he remembered. He was sure she was dying it. Her face hadn’t changed, though. She looked a bit more tired now and had a few more wrinkles on her face, but. It was his mom. She was wearing the necklace he and Laura had given to her five years ago. _

_He was taller than her now._

_He felt like his heart would burst any moment. _

_His mother kept staring at him. Her eyes were glassy. She looked like she was about to cry. _

_After a few tense minutes, she grabbed his shoulders and pulled him closer to her. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight enough to make it hard to breathe. _

_“I’m so sorry”, she whispered, “I’m so, so sorry”, she was crying now. _

_David hugged her back, burying his face in her neck, his own tears staining her blouse. _

_They stayed like this for a while. _

“You know how they say high school relationships don’t last?”, Leonie didn’t wait for his answer, “That’s bullshit. Kiki and Carlos got fucking engaged. Engaged!”

“Kiki and Carlos?”, David asked. Was he supposed to know who they were? Their names sounded familiar, but he couldn’t remember their faces.

“Yeah,” Leonie said, ignoring his obvious confusion, “And Hanna and Jonas are still together. Like, most of the couples I know are still together.”

“There is still time”, David accepted she wasn’t going to explain who these people were. He was sure they were from his old high school, but David had been there just for a few months. He hadn’t really wanted to form strong relationships with people. He had been talking to three people at most regularly during that time, and he was desperate to forget one of them.

_Young love is often irrational and very emotional. It doesn’t usually last. _

“Why are you like this?”, Victoria looked at him, unimpressed. She was the first friend he made when he started university. She had approached him during the first week, asking him if he wanted to join the queer student union, and it had went downhill from there. They got along well, very well, actually.

Well, at first it had been a bit tense between them, because David was going out with one of her exes, but it hadn’t lasted long, and he treasured Vicky more than a relationship. She was the first person he had come out to. She has met Laura, and then annoyed David to set her up on a date with his _own sister_. She had visited him in the hospital when he was recovering form top surgery. She had proclaimed herself as his best friend.

Yeah, they got along pretty well.

“Someday, someone is going to steal your cold, dead heart”, Vicky continued talking, “And, you are going to be one of the most annoying couples out there”, she smirked, “I know it.”

David didn’t answer her, he just raised his eyebrows. He was concentrated on trying to breathe normally again. He hated when they talked about this – about love, relationships, soulmates and shit like that. He hated it even more when they tried to include him, because it brought up memories he couldn’t think about.

“Well, it was nice talking to you, but I have to go to work”, he quickly gathered his stuff, hugged them goodbye and took off. He was running away from the conversation. He knew that. They also knew that, judging by the way Vicky frowned and Leonie rolled her eyes. He couldn’t help it though, some habits were hard to quit.

That was how David’s life was – he went to classes, worked part-time, hung out with his friends. It was a good life. He was proud of himself for getting to this point.

Though, there were still days where he could barely look himself in the mirror, where wished he could peel away his skin, where he couldn’t stop thinking about things from his past, about _people_ from his past, about those who hurt him and those he had hurt, but.

But, he was mostly doing okay.

David started working in the campus’ coffee shop during the second semester of his first year. The owner was a guy named Hans. David has seen him maybe twice and both times the man had been very excited, maybe too excited, but David didn’t find it annoying. It was funny, actually. Most of the time it was Linn, who was sort of a co-owner. It was because of her that he got this job.

He kind of felt guilty that he was hired just because he was the owner’s girlfriend’s little brother, but he actually did put effort while working. He got along well enough with the rest of the staff, the clients loved him and he made fantastic coffee. He was doing okay and he liked his job.

David mostly worked on the weekends, but two people had quit, Omar was sick and Mohammed would be alone during morning rush, so Linn asked him to come in on Tuesday morning.

And, there he was, making coffee and charming clients before his afternoon classes.

“There’s going to be a party on Saturday”, Mohammed said, while typing something on his phone. Finally, the morning rush had calmed down and they could sit down for a bit. Mohammed was in the staffroom, sitting on the bench that was next to the door, while David was leaning on the wall next to it, keeping an eye on the customers.

“What’s the occasion?”, David asked, distractedly, not really listening. He was watching two teenagers, who, he guessed, were on a date. They were smiling shyly at each other, both of them blushing.

_Young love is often irrational and very emotional. It doesn’t usually last. _

“A friend of Amira is coming back today, and they want to celebrate”, Mohammed explained, “You should come. I think you know most of them, you studied in the same high school.”

David hummed. The boy had spilled coffee on himself and was awkwardly cleaning it off. The girl was trying to help him, but she couldn’t do much, but just pass him a few tissues. Both of them laughed it off and continued smiling and talking quietly.

“I’ll think about it”, he said. He didn’t want to go, not one bit.

“I’ll tell Leonie”, Mohammed grinned at him and David rolled his eyes

“I told you I’ll think about it.”

“That usually means no, coming from you.”

David was going to argue, but… yeah, he was right. He was going to say no.

“I didn’t talk to a lot of people in my high school”, David explained, “So, I don’t really know them. I don’t want to go to a party where I don’t know anyone.”

“You know Amira!”, Mohammed argued, “And me, and Leonie.”

David looked at Mohammed and he looked back at him.

“I have to study”, David tried again, but Mohammed just shook his head.

“Look, Amira’s coming by after a few hours. She’ll come with some of her friends. You’ll meet them, and they will no longer be strangers. See? Easy.”

David didn’t understand why Mohammed was so insistent on him coming, but he decided to humour him. If this were to happen a year ago, David would be terrified to meet a bunch of strangers, but not now. He has grown up. He wasn’t hiding as much anymore.

The boy from the date came to the counter and David pushed himself off the wall to take his order.

If God existed, David was sure he was fucking with him.

“This is Matteo. Amira’s friend I was telling you earlier about”, Mohammed said, “I think you might know each other”.

But, David wasn’t listening. He was too busy staring at the blue eyes that had been haunting his dreams for the last year. Yeah, David did know this boy, he knew too much about him, knew things probably most of Matteo’s friends didn’t.

He knew how Matteo’s eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed, he knew the exact numbers of freckles that were on his cheeks, he knew that his lips were softer than they looked, he knew that his pale skin bruised easily and he knew how it felt to run his fingers through his messy hair. David knew all that, as much as he hated it, as much as he wished he could forget it all.

David had been doing okay. Most of the time he could pretend that he didn’t remember Matteo as he kept himself busy with work or school or other people with big eyes and crooked smiles, but that had always been a temporary solution. Thoughts about Matteo always got him off guard – when he was just waking up, when he was falling asleep, when he was making pasta, when he found whipped cream in Laura’s fridge. He had always though he had to try harder, push himself more, but it was useless. He couldn’t stop missing him, despite the fact it was his fault that they were in this situation.

Still, it was easier to breathe when Matteo wasn’t in the same country as him.

“I don’t think I do”, he answered, finally. The moment the words left his mouth he regretted them. But, he guessed, it wasn’t exactly a lie – people changed.

Matteo didn’t react. Or, it looked like he didn’t. But, David knew better, as much as he wished he didn’t. He could see it Matteo’s pretty eyes, in the way his bottom lip quivered and the trembling of his hands.

After a couple of minutes Matteo offered him a small smile as he extended his hand over the counter.

“I’m Matteo”, he spoke, quietly, and his voice sent shivers down David’s spine.

“David”.

Matteo’s hand was soft and warm and the ache in David’s chest was getting bigger and bigger. He couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was underwater.

Neither of them said _nice to meet you_, probably out of respect – they wouldn’t lie to each other like that.

Matteo was beautiful and it hurt to be this close to him. David was glad there was a physical barrier between them.

Matteo pretended not to know him, but his friends weren’t this kind. Jonas, David remembered his name, but he couldn’t recall the other two, was glaring at him, while the boys behind them just looked nervous and confused.

Matteo has told them. David still hasn’t told anyone about what happened between them.

“I’m Carlos”, one of the boys stepped closer to him, breaking the tension between them. Matteo smiled, looking amused. Jonas pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Dude”, he huffed.

“What?”, Carlos asked, as he turned to them, but then he looked back at David.

“David”, he shook Carlos hand, and then, Abdi’s who also introduced himself.

“Wait, _the_ David?”, Abdi asked, surprised. Matteo’s eyes widened, clearly not finding the situation as amusing as before.

“Okay! We need to go”, Jonas started pushing the boys out, “We’re gonna wait for you outside, Amira!”

And with that, they left. But, David still felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He needed to sit down.

“You said you don’t know each other?”, Mohammed snapped him out of his thoughts. David looked at him.

“Uh, no, I don’t know them”, he said, but he hated how small he sounded. He glanced at Amira who was studying him. She was smart, she knew something was up. He hoped she wouldn’t bring it up, though.

“Okay, I’ll see you later”, Amira hugged Mohammed and fist bumped David. Both of them watched her leave the shop. Their small group started walking, but David kept looking at them. He saw how Amira started falling behind and she pulled Matteo back with her, linking their arms together.

Even when Matteo was already out of his sight, the pain in his chest didn’t lessen, neither was it easier to breathe.

_“They are doing a trust-circle thing”, the blond boy in front of him explained, “You know, with hand-holding? Unless you are into that?”_

_David smirked and shook his head, “No, not really.”_

_“Thought so”, the boy smiled at him, and David felt his heartbeat picking up. He took out a joint out of his jacket, “Do you want?”_

David should have said no. They wouldn’t be in this situation now, if he had.

David wasn’t planning on going to the party, but Mohammed made good on his word and told Leonie, who told Sara, and both of them wouldn’t let it go. Vicky heard there was a party and invited herself, and David was left with no excuses.

“It won’t kill you to have fun!”, Vicky was holding his hand, dragging him up the stairs. Leonie and Sara were in front of them.

“I’m just not feeling it”, he tried again. It wasn’t a lie. He didn’t want to come. He was feeling uneasy knowing that Matteo was in the same city as him, what was he supposed to do when they were in the same apartment?

“I think you need to get drunk”, Vicky leaned on him as they waited for the door to open, “God, knows,_ I_ need to.”

David did his best to avoid Matteo, and he thought he was doing the same. For the first few hours, he had seen him once, and then Matteo had disappeared. David mostly stuck to Vicky, because even though he went to high school with these people, they were still strangers.

Vicky, though, had no problem fitting in. She was having fun meeting so many people. But, as his self-proclaimed best friend she didn’t leave him alone.

“Who’s that?”, Vicky asked as she nodded towards a group of girls that had surrounded Amira. Both of them were sitting on the couch, leaning on each other, a bottle of wine between them.

“Which one?”, he vaguely recognised them. He knew Sam, of course, he has seen her a couple of times in the coffee shop, but they’ve never talked. But, for the others he wasn’t sure.

“The blond one.”

“There are two blondes.”

“The one with the short hair”, Vicky explained, sounding a bit annoyed.

“No idea. I think her name was… No, can’t remember”, David answered, amused.

“You are useless”, Vicky shook her head and snuggled closer to him, “Whatever, I don’t need you. I’ll ask her myself.”

“I thought you were still hung up on Emma”, David saw Matteo entering the room with Jonas and another boy he didn’t recognise. He took the bottle from Vicky’s hands, but he realised it was empty.

“No, I’m over her”, she shrugged.

“That was fast.”

“Was it? It felt like an eternity to me.”

Matteo and Jonas walked over to the girls who happily greeted them. Hanna hugged Matteo as he passed by her. He settled next to Sam, effortlessly, tuning in their conversation and making the group laugh. David kind of wished someone would turn down the music and everyone else would quiet down, so he would be able to hear Matteo’s voice.

“How long does it take to get over someone anyway? Scientifically speaking”, David asked Vicky. She leaned back a bit to look at his face, but then she settled down again.

“According to the only scientist I trust, which is Charlotte York”, David rolled his eyes as she spoke, “it takes half the time of the relationship’s duration.”

He and Matteo were together for three months. A month and a half after their break up David was no were near getting over him.

“But, on a serious note, I think I read somewhere that it takes eighteen months”, Vicky added.

Eighteen months. They broke up in May last year, and it was September now. He still had two more months to go. Maybe he would feel better then.

“It all depends on how intense the relationship was, I guess.”

The guy from earlier had appeared next to the group. He whispered something to Matteo, and he laughed, throwing his head back. Then, grinning, he looked at the boy next to him and said something as he shook his head. His face was red. One of the things David missed the most was hearing him laugh.

_David looked at the sandwiches in front of them, then he looked back at Matteo._

_“Bon appetite”, Matteo said, grinning, as he took one of them. David followed his lead. They looked at each other as they bit down. It was disgusting. _

_“It’s… good”, David said, “Weird, but good”._

_And both of them started laughing._

David was a realist. He knew it wasn’t possible to fall in love with someone after a week, but.

At the time, he hadn’t thought much of it – all he cared about was Matteo.

_Young love is often irrational and very emotional. It doesn’t usually last._

Eventually Vicky left him to go talk to the blond girl, and with nothing better to do, David went to the balcony for some fresh air. He was staring down at the street, at the occasional stranger that would walk down the dark streets and would wonder where they were going at this hour.

The door of the balcony opened and Matteo walked out. David immediately felt his chest constricting. Matteo looked good. David missed him so much.

“Uh, I was just”, he waved around the pack of cigarettes and the lighter he was holding. David tried to smile at him and stepped closer to one side of the balcony as far as possible from Matteo.

Matteo settled on the other side and lit up his cigarette.

“Do you want?”, Matteo asked, and David nodded, wondering if he was going to pass him the one he was smoking, but he just pushed the pack and the lighter his way.

Disappointed, David took them, and then he cursed himself for being such an asshole.

He should have left.

David should have done a lot of things.

But, this was the first time in a year that he was alone with Matteo and David had always been self-indulgent. 

“So, how have you been?”, David asked. He knew it was a stupid question, but he just wanted to hear Matteo talk. He took at as a good sign that Matteo didn’t leave the minute David opened his mouth.

“Good”, he huffed out a laugh, but his eyes were glassy, “You?”

“Okay”, David answered honestly. He was okay, he really was.

“I heard you got into film school”, Matteo glanced at him, and David willed his hands to stop shaking.

“Yeah, I did.”

_“Okay, walk up the stairs, but be angry”, David instructed through his laugh. Matteo followed his directions, “No, you have to be angrier”, Matteo started yelling louder and louder and stomping, and David could barely contain his laughter, “Okay, come back down.”_

_Matteo lazily walked down the stairs and stopped at the last one, smirking at David._

_“Was this better, Mr. Director?”, he asked as he started leaning in. _

_“Yeah”, David answered, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and kissing him. _

“That’s great”, Matteo said as he dropped his cigarette into the half-empty cup of water that was serving as an ashtray, “Congratulations.”

“I heard you went to Italy”, David prompted. He wondered if Matteo was going to say anything, he wondered if he deserved to know.

“I did”, Matteo turned around so his back was against the railing, “Spent my gap year there.”

“You aren’t going to university?”, David asked.

“I am”, Matteo wasn’t looking at him, “I’m starting this year. Computer science and Spanish.”

“That’s great”, David said, smiling at him, “One of your exams was Spanish, right?”

“I had to retake it”, Matteo looked at him with a bitter smile on his face.

“What?”, David exclaimed, “How? I thought you had a cheat sheet?”

“I guess I was distracted.”

_David leaned away from Matteo, looking at the discarded textbooks that were pushed off the bed onto the floor from when Matteo had straddled his lap. _

_“Shouldn’t we study?”, David asked as leaned on his elbows, Matteo hovering above him. _

_“No, I have a plan”, Matteo smirked and started kissing his neck._

_“Which is?”, David looked at him, his eyebrows raised. _

_“Stop”, Matteo pouted. David laughed and grabbed his face, falling backwards on the bed. _

David looked away from him and closed his eyes. He hated how awkward this conversation was, he hated how things were between them now and he only had himself to blame. He was the reason they broke up. And, now he was the one that was trying to talk to Matteo.

“I’m sorry”, he said, after a few minutes of tense silence. David wanted to explain what happened, why he ran away, but the words were stuck in his throat. He didn’t know what he was so scared of now. His life was okay, he was doing okay. It didn’t matter how Matteo would react anymore. But. He couldn’t make himself speak, even though he knew Matteo deserved an explanation.

The blond boy huffed out a laugh.

“It doesn’t matter now, does it?”

David took a deep breath. He was about to apologise again, when the guy from earlier opened the balcony door. He was speaking in Italian to Matteo, who just shrugged in response. Then, when the guy asked another question, Matteo answered him. The suffocating feeling came back. David remembered the few times Matteo would say something in Italian to him, mostly he whispered something sweet against his lips, other times he would sing off-key Italian songs just to annoy him. He never really told David what he said, but David could guess.

David subtly shook his head, hoping it would help him stop thinking about it. He didn’t miss how the guy nodded towards him, though.

“This is David”, Matteo spoke in German, “We used to be classmates.”

For some reason it really hurt to hear Matteo address him life that, but what else was he supposed to say?

“David”, he had missed the way Matteo said his name, “this is Elia, a friend from Italy.”

But, because of the way this guy was looking at Matteo, David wanted to ask him if _Elia_ knew he was just a friend.

The boy, Elia, grinned at him. He was a good-looking guy – tall, light brown hair, green eyes.

“It’s nice to meet you, David”, he said. He had an accent.

“You too.”

Elia turned to Matteo again, and started speaking in Italian again. David heard him saying Jonas’ name.

“Okay”, Matteo said, with a sigh. He took his cigarettes and lighter and pushed himself off the railing.

“Good bye, David!”, Elia waved at him. Matteo just offered him a half-smile.

David watched as they walked away, Elia draping a hand over Matteo’s shoulders and pulling him closer. 

This was all his fault. He should have never approached Matteo.

On Monday morning while he was walking to his classes, David stopped by a small supermarket, because Leonie asked him to buy her something sweet before classes. As he waited for his turn to pay, he spotted the brand of cigarettes Matteo was smoking behind the cashier.

He had never been big on smoking, but he bought a pack anyway.

And, because God hated him, Matteo started working in the coffee shop.

“Can you change my schedule?”, he asked Omar, clutching his phone, where the e-mail with his schedule was open.

“Why?”

“Because me and Matteo don’t really get along”, David explained, calmly. Omar stared at him.

“Matteo hasn’t even started yet”, Omar sighed.

“Please”, David pleaded, but he knew it was a lost cause. Omar shook his head.

“Sorry, man, but I can’t change it. These are the only hours that fit with your classes.”

David tried to hide his disappointment. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“But, don’t worry about it”, Omar smiled warmly at him, patting his shoulder, “Matteo is a great guy, I’m sure, you’ll get along.”

_Yeah, but I’m not a great guy_.

David could feel Matteo’s stare on his bare back as they changed into their uniforms in the staff room. He found it funny that the only time Matteo got to see him shirtless was a year after their break up.

David really was an asshole.

_David and Matteo were wrestling on Matteo’s bed. Matteo had jumped on David’s back, tugging on his hoodie. David managed to push him away. Matteo laughed it off, David was trying to calm down._

_“You know, you can sleep over, right?”, Matteo pouted as he watched David gather his stuff. _

_“Sorry”, he said, smiling sweetly at the blond boy. _

The only time it was just the two of them on shift was on Monday evening. They didn’t talk to each other then, Matteo wouldn’t even look at him. But, when there was someone else with them, they managed to be civil. David suspected Mohammed knew something was up by the weird way he would look at the two of them. However, neither he nor Matteo said anything when they were asked if something was wrong.

It stayed a secret. David guessed it was logical. Their relationship was a secret, so it was no wonder their break up would also be a secret.

Good thing they were used to keeping secrets from their friends.

_“Luigi”, Jonas yelled out, “Did you fall asleep? We’re going to a club!”_

_Matteo put his hand over David’s mouth, trying to make him be quiet. _

_“There are five naked girls, Luigi!”, Carlos and Abdi yelled. David snorted and Matteo pressed him against the door with his body. _

_“Shhhh”, Matteo hushed him, but he was also smiling. _

_“Shhhh”, David mocked him. Matteo removed his hand and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips_.

They constantly got in each other’s way. They bumped shoulders, stepped on each other’s toes, spoke over each other – it seemed like they just didn’t work together. 

David tried not to let it get to him, tried not to think how they used to move like one, how they managed to read each other, how it only took one smirk from Matteo, one raised eyebrow across the hall and David knew where to go and what to do.

_“Hey”, David walked towards Matteo’s locker. Usually, he wouldn’t approach him while they were in school, but David wasn’t sure if he had left his beanie at Matteo’s place or on the bus, “Do you have my beanie?”_

_“Hey, uh”, Matteo looked at him with wide eyes, clearly surprised. It was a bad time. _

_“What beanie?”, Jonas appeared next to Matteo, along with Carlos and Abdi._

_“The one I left in Geography class. Sara said you have it”, David explained, keeping his voice and face neutral. He stepped back, so he wasn’t so close to Matteo. _

_“I don’t have it, sorry”, Matteo said just as he took out David’s beanie from his locker and put it on. David tried not to smile. _

_“Okay, thanks anyway”, David let himself grin once he had turned his back to the boys. While he was walking away, his phone vibrated. He took it out and saw he had a message from Matteo. He had sent him a few emojis that were sticking out their tongue and a ‘**I guess you’ll have to come over again if you want it back**’. _

_The conductor was standing in front of them, waiting for Matteo to show him his ticket. _

_“Is it march on the other bus, too?”, David asked. The bus stopped and he grabbed Matteo’s arm, he was already reaching for him. They ran off the bus, laughing. _

_Matteo kissed him before he unlocked the door to his apartment. _

Gradually, though, it got better. It wasn’t like they had a choice. After they spent a month working in silence, they got tired of it.

They took baby steps. First starting with greeting each other, then trying to make small talk. Eventually, Matteo started talking about Italy. David showed him some of his projects. After two more weeks their conversations stopped feeling forced. It was nice, familiar.

Only once did they talk about high school. It was just the two of them and they were closing the shop.

“What happened with your P.E. exam?”, Matteo suddenly asked while he wiped the tables. It didn’t surprise David. 

“I came back to take it, then I left again”, David answered after a few minutes. He knew Matteo had more questions, and he knew Matteo wanted to ask him – _why did you leave in the first place? why did you leave me?_

David thought that he might even answer, if Matteo did ask him.

But, Matteo didn’t and they left it like that. They never spoke again about high school, only about everything that came after. It almost felt like before, but David knew Matteo was keeping him at an arm’s length. He didn’t blame him. David was doing the same.

David spent a year without Matteo, and now, where he was so close to him, David missed him more than ever.

Omar had decided they needed some staff bonding, so on Thursday, they closed the coffee shop an hour earlier and made themselves a small party.

David was enjoying himself. It was nice to be with everyone – recently all of them had been more focused on school and with exam season approaching, the café was often very busy, so they hadn’t hung out in a while. So, this was nice.

David got up from one of the tables, where he was talking to Omar and Linn to get another beer. But, he stopped himself in front of the kitchen, because he could hear Amira and Matteo talking.

“Four pizzas with sauce Hollandaise and three with tzatziki, right?”, he could hear Amira asking.

“Yeah, uh, you left one without mushrooms, right?”, Matteo asked. David felt his heart swelling.

“No, I’ll do it now. Why, thought?”

“David hates mushrooms.”

“Can’t he just pick them out?”

“The taste lingered”, David knew Matteo was rolling his eyes as he said it.

_“Nooo”, David scowled at the plate full of pasta in front of him, “Why did you put mushrooms in it?”_

_“Oh my god, you are a child, just put them in my plate”, Matteo said, amused. _

_“The taste lingers.”_

_“The taste lingers”, Matteo mocked him and David grabbed his face, pulling him in to kiss him._

David went back, but he didn’t stop at the table he was sitting on before, no he walked out of the coffee shop, ignoring Omar’s questions. He walked until he found himself behind the shop, next to the garbage cans. He slid down the wall and hid his face into his palms.

Vicky was wrong. Eighteen months had passed since the breakup and David still loved Matteo as much as he did before, if not more.

_“I love you”, Matteo whispered. David turned to him shocked. They were in the middle of an empty swimming pool after they left someone’s birthday party. David didn’t know whose it was, he didn’t even care. _

_“What did you say?”, he stepped closer to Matteo, smiling widely. _

_“I’m not saying it again.”_

_“No, what did you say?”_

_“I love you”, Matteo repeated._

_They’ve know each other for two months, **two months.** It usually took years for some people to say that to each other. This was insane. It was going too fast. Matteo didn’t even know him._

_But, as David looked at Matteo’s beautiful blue eyes, red cheeks and shy smile, he couldn’t force himself to be rational. _

_“I love you too.”_

_After that they were roaming the streets of Berlin on one bike. Matteo was gripping his hips, laughing and yelling, “You are going to kill us”, but David just started moving his legs faster, hoping the speed would make Matteo lean more on him. _

David often thought about what his therapist had said to him, when he finally opened up about Matteo. She had said that young love is often very irrational and emotional. It didn’t usually last. But, David didn’t see it like that. The only times where he felt calm was when he was with Matteo. Even a year later this hadn’t changed. What happened between them didn’t feel like just another teenage love, at least not to him.

There were thirty minutes left of their shift. David hoped nobody would come in, since they were closing soon. They were sitting in comfortable silence, David leaning on the counter, sketching, while Matteo was sitting on one of the tables, looking at his phone, the broom placed next to his legs, under the table. He was supposed to be sweeping the floor, but he kind of gave up halfway through.

David looked at the sketch. He had drawn Matteo. That wasn’t anything new, David always ended up drawing him. But, it was nice that he could sketch him like this, while he was in front of him, and not from memory. He had made a few changes. Matteo wasn’t holding his phone, but a sandwich, and next to him there was a toastie maker.

He tore the page from his sketchbook, intending to give it to Matteo, and maybe ask him if he wanted to go to the swimming pool someday. David figured it was time for him to explain why he had disappeared, why he had ran away. He should have done it ages ago, but better late than never, right?

Just as he was about to call out to Matteo, someone entered the shop. 

“Hey”, Elia walked over to Matteo and hugging him. Matteo smiled when they parted.

“Hey, you’re early”, he glanced at the clock. They still had twenty minutes of their shift left. They started talking to each other in Italian. It seemed to David that Elia wanted something from Matteo, but Matteo was saying no. It went on for a few moments, before Elia looked at David.

“Is it okay, if Matteo leaves a bit earlier today?”, Elia asked him.

Matteo’s eyes widened and he looked back at David. He seemed nervous.

David forced himself to smile, crumbled the piece of paper he was holding, turning it into a small ball.

“Yeah, of course”, he said, trying to look as friendly as possible. Elia smile widened and he looked at Matteo.

“See, let’s go”, Elia started tugging on his arm.

“Are you sure?”, Matteo asked him.

“Yeah”, David swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Matteo walked back to the staff room to change and get his stuff.

“Thank you, David”, Elia walked over to him, “I have a surprise for him, but we need to hurry.”

David didn’t ask, neither did he care.

Matteo came back, but he was still looking at David unsurely.

“Okay, let’s go”, Elia grabbed Matteo’s arm, “Bye, David!”

Matteo looked back at him, still looking a bit hesitant to leave him. This boy was too sweet for his own good. David loved him so much.

David just stuck out his tongue, which made Matteo smile.

Matteo left.

David threw away his drawing and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, hoping it would stop the tears from falling.

“Fuck”, he whispered.

This was a stupid idea. Just because he was still in love with Matteo didn’t mean that Matteo hadn’t moved on. It was probably going to make things worse if David brought up what happened again. They were past this now. David should let it go.

Nineteen months had passed, he still couldn’t do it.

“You don’t look like you are having much fun.”

David poked his head out of the bathtub to see Matteo looking at him with an amused smile on his face. He didn’t answer him, but just fell back into the bathtub, clutching an empty bottle of vodka.

It was New Year’s Eve, and they were celebrating in Hans’ apartment. Everyone from the coffee shop was there. Amira brought her friends, David brought his. Matteo brought Elia.

“Move”, Matteo was hovering above him with an unlit joint sticking out of his mouth. David pulled himself into one side of the bathtub, letting Matteo get comfortable in the other one. The toes of their shoes were touching. When Matteo passed him the joint, their fingers also touched.

“You are gonna miss the countdown”, David was slurring his words but he didn’t care. Matteo was sitting way too close to him and he felt like he was suffocating. It hurt. David wanted to reach out to him, but he only settled on passing him back the joint.

Matteo just shrugged in response.

“Your boyfriend’s gonna be sad”, David knew he should be keeping his mouth shut, but he didn’t care. He deserved this pain, he was the one that fucked up.

“My boyfriend?”, Matteo asked, one eyebrow raised, “Do you mean Elia?”

David nodded. He dug his fingernails into his palms, hoping it would make him stop feeling like he was floating.

“Elia isn’t my boyfriend”, Matteo explained, gently. He had a sad smile on his face. He rested his head on his knees so he was closer to David. David kept his back firmly pressed to the wall of the bathtub.

“He isn’t?”

“No. He’s straight”, Matteo laughed.

“But, if he wasn’t…”, David didn’t know why he was doing this to himself.

“I don’t know”, the blond boy leaned back, sighing, “Probably not.”

“Why not?”

Matteo frowned. He looked down at his lap, “Why do you care?”.

David’s heart was in his throat. He should shut up, let it go, leave Matteo alone. But, he couldn’t. A heavy silence settled between them. It was tense, and David felt even worse than before. He missed Matteo so much, it was unbearable.

_Young love is often irrational and very emotional. It doesn’t usually last._

They could hear Abdi yelling out “Five minutes left!”.

“Better make a wish”, Matteo sneered.

“_You have an eyelash there.”_

_“Can I make a wish now?”_

David moved closer to him. Matteo also leaned into his space, despite the sad expression on his face, and despite the fact he wouldn’t look at David.

“What are you gonna wish for?”, David asked him.

“I don’t think I’ll wish for anything”, Matteo frowned at him, “It didn’t really work out last time.”

David rested his forehead on Matteo’s, “I’m so sorry, Matteo.”

“Why?”, Matteo whispered, “Why did you leave?”

David wanted to explain, but he realised now was not the right time.

“I’ll tell you everything, just”, before David could finish, Matteo leaned back. His eyes were red and glassy.

They could hear their friends starting to count down.

“Can I make a wish?”, he asked Matteo who scoffed. David repeated his questions.

“What do you want?”, Matteo looked like he was on the verge of tears. David knew he was in no better state.

“I want you”, David answered, honestly. Matteo bit down on his bottom lip and looked away.

Their friends screamed, “Happy New Year!”.

David grabbed Matteo’s face and kissed him.

Matteo immediately kissed him back, gripping his shoulders. But, David needed him closer. His heart ached as he straddled Matteo’s lap, kissing him deeply. This was better than David’s memories. He felt like he could finally stop holding his breath. He felt like he was going home. He never wanted to stop.

Matteo whimpered as he let David lick into his mouth. He gently placed his hand on Matteo’s cheek, while his other was resting on the base of his neck. Matteo was clutching at the back of his shirt, keeping him close. But, it wasn’t like David was going anywhere. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t going to run away again.

“David”, Matteo whispered as they broke apart, but he couldn’t say anything else, because David had started pressing small kisses all over his face. Matteo laughed, but is sounded wet and sad, and David kissed him again.

“Luigi, where are you? It’s-”, Jonas burst into the bathroom, followed by Abdi and Carlos.

Matteo and David broke apart quickly, but it wasn’t quick enough. Abdi had dropped his empty glass of wine. Carlos was gaping at them. Jonas was trying to kill David with his eyes.

“Matteo”, Jonas addressed him, but his eyes didn’t move from David.

“Jonas, it’s fine”, Matteo said, which made Jonas look at him, shocked, “Can you leave us for a moment?”

“No!”, Carlos exclaimed.

“Please”, the blond boy pleaded. Matteo’s friends looked at each other, hesitating if this was a good idea, “It will take just a few minutes”, Matteo added and David’s heart broke.

When they were finally alone, Matteo got out of the bathtub, away from David.

“I can’t do this”, Matteo leaned on the door. He was visibly upset. David upset him again.

He stared up at Matteo, not sure what he should do, how to fix another one of his fuck ups. Every part of him was screaming at him to get up, go to Matteo, but he stayed.

Matteo left.

David fell back into the tub.

_“What’s wrong?”, Matteo hugged him from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder, “Talk to me.”_

_David closed his eyes. He was so stupid for letting himself get carried away, for thinking something like this was possible for him. _

_“I’m sorry. I have to go.”_

“Can I come in?”

David had actually meant it when he said he was done running. Even if it took him about two weeks to actually gather the courage to face Matteo.

“Uhm”, Matteo was looking at him with his big sad eyes, “Now isn’t a good time.”

“I want to explain”, David said, desperately, “What happened. Why I left.”

Matteo let out a sigh and stepped back from the door, letting him in.

“Wait a second.”

Matteo went back into the apartment, leaving David alone in the hallway. He felt awkward. He didn’t know what to do. If he should take off his jacket, or shoes. He didn’t, but he kept thinking about it.

“Aw, why?”, he could hear Abdi complain.

“Just go”, Matteo said, exasperated.

“Okay, but you ow-”, Carlos shut his mouth the moment he saw David standing in the hallway.

“Carlos, why did you stop, we can’t-”, Jonas appeared behind him, “What is he doing here?”

“Guys!”, Matteo exclaimed, visibly annoyed.

The boys looked at each other, then they looked at David, who tried to disappear into his jacket.

“I’ll tell you later, go now”, Matteo started pushing them towards the door. Each one of them made a point to glare at David, Jonas taking it a step further and bumping his shoulder on his way out.

“Call us, if you need us!”, Abdi said just as Matteo closed the door.

For a few moments, they just looked at each other. Then, David stepped closer to him, and hugged him.

It took a while, but Matteo did eventually wrap his hands around his waist, hugging him tight.

“Do you remember when you asked me why I moved so close to Abi?”, David asked. They were in the kitchen now, sitting opposite each other on the kitchen table.

“Yeah”, Matteo nodded. It was during their first conversation.

“I lied”, David couldn’t make his hands stop shaking, “I didn’t kill my parents.”

Matteo raised his eyebrows, the corner of his mouth twisting upwards.

“I had to move because”, David could do this, he was past this, “I got bullied a lot in my old school. It got to the point I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Matteo’s eyes widened and he leaned closer to the table, resting his hands on it. David wanted to reach out and take them in his own. But, he didn’t. He kept them on his lap.

“I got bullied, because I am transgender.” 

He watched Matteo’s face carefully. He looked surprised and confused, but then, gradually, his expression started changing into something more understanding. Perhaps, some of David’s strange behaviour finally seemed to make sense – why he never slept over, why he always pulled away Matteo’s hands that were under his shirt, why they never really got to do something more.

“When I moved, my only goal was to finish school”, David continued, “You know, stay low, do my work, but that didn’t really work out.”

Matteo was smiling sweetly at him. David grabbed one of his hands and Matteo intertwined their fingers.

“Those three months with you felt like a dream. I think they were the best months I’ve ever had in school”, David could hear Matteo saying _me too_, “But, I still felt bad, because I was keeping this from you. I was planning on telling you, but I just… I couldn’t find the right moment.”

Matteo squeezed his fingers.

“You could have told me”, he said. David nodded.

“Neuhaus brought me back to reality”, David sighed, “I… We had an argument, because he didn’t want to grade me correctly. And, it kind of went downhill. I needed to get away. I went to Fürstenberg. That’s why I left. Uh, that’s why I left you. I thought it would be better like this.”

“You broke my heart”, Matteo said. His face was open and vulnerable. David took his other hand.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just got scared.”

“What happened to your exam?”, Matteo asked.

“Laura and my godmother forced me to talk to the school. I went with Laura and we sorted it out.”

“So, you were graded as… you were graded correctly?”

“Yes, I came back, took the exam and got graded correctly, as a boy”, David answered. This conversation wasn’t going as bad as he imagined it would.

He had a year to make up various scenarios. Neither of them included Matteo looking at him like _that_, like he still cared, like he might still love him.

“Thank you for telling me”, Matteo gently pulled his hands away from David. He got up and poured two glasses of coffee, “We still have a lot of things to talk about.”

“Yeah, we do”, David took a deep breath. Something hopeful was blooming in his chest.

Matteo placed one cup in front of him and a carton of milk next to it.

“No sugar, right?”, Matteo asked, as he took his previous seat.

David looked at him, then back at the cup in front of him, trying not to smile too much.

“Yeah.”

They were going to be okay. More than okay.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated <3 i also have tumblr! i'm @sadder-gaze, come say hi?


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